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My rancid Beta-ness

I went to the first session of my acting class on Wednesday. It was good fun, like being back at school and getting a free reign to play games. I think the average London-Drone could do with some of this, it would help try and train their zombiefied minds how to re-integrate with other people. You could almost literally see the London-ness lifting off people as they went through the exercises.

There were three girls there and all moderately attractive in different ways: one was chubby but with big jugs and good skin, the other was clever, good arse and a lovely smile. The last was petite, skinny, good t!ts, blonde and with the psycho look of an unbalanced s8x fiend in her eye.

I am not here to meet women” I told myself. “I am here because I want to do this for fun, plus it may help build some skills I can use meet women.. and at the very least it is a conversation point which makes me sound more artsy and cool“. I started well, striding over and saying “Hi guys” to the others, who were sitting in total silence, London-style, not even speaking to each other. However this initial Alphaness started to fade and after a while my big Beta elephant started to plague me with sad, pathetic Beta thoughts. I don’t think anyone there realised that while acting out my freeze-frame diorama I was actually in mental torment.

Stop it! You sad b@stard” my rider was screaming at my elephant. But it was so hard. The fantasies started… how I could get to know Nice-Smile, we’d maybe meet before class for a coffee, get to know each other a bit, do it again, walk back from the class together, meet up at the weekend to go to Camden market, laugh over noodles afterwards, go to the theatre the next week, a kiss afterwards, and on and on and on.

I really am sickened with myself. But I could not stop these thoughts occuring. Things got even sadder, truly to a spectacularly twisted level of patheticness when I actually started fantasising that I was dating Nice-Smile then had an affair with Psycho-Eyes because our attraction was just too strong to deny. Tragic. Just unbelievably tragic.

So this is all pretty endemic of my Beta-ness. How can I change this? Well not so easy is it. First off I am just going to make a big effort to try and not to think these thoughts. Genius. Just try really hard. Nothing magical. Just really, really focus. I also plan to start meditation exercises which I am hoping will help with my self control.

Beyond this how can I retrain myself to just BE less-Beta? This lies with experience. I’m sure if I WAS Mr S8xworthy, who was regularly going out and pulling babes, who had regular, vigorous girlfriends, who regularly closed and dated, then I really would not give a second thought to “meeting someone at my class”.

Unfortunately as a logical human being I base beliefs off experience. To fully believe I am Alpha (or at least not quite so Beta-ery) I need to gain “reference experiences” to support this. Congratulations, welcome to Bootstrap territory. “Bootstrap?”. Well if you’re an IT guy you’ll know what I mean. You know when you install an Operating System on your PC it contains a “Bootstrapper”? This is the tiny little program which installs the OS.  It’s called that because it “pulls itself up by its own bootstraps”. This is what RAFCs in my position need to do. If you are at point A (for Alpha) then you will naturally be having reference experiences to support this. You will be in a positive feedback cycle. The best place of all to be. Odds on if you’re an RAFC then most of your previous experiences have been negative feedback cycles. How can you flip the wheel?

Fake it to make it.

Act like you are where you want to get to. Try and get one success. Then try and get another. Then slowly bit by bit claw your way towards your goal. When you get there it will all be a lot easier.

So I am not expecting my Beta-ness to end just because I am watching the Blueprint and want it to. I need to focus and I need to think right and I need to change it through hard-won reference experiences. I sincerely hope that when I get there the sad fantasies which actually even embarrass myself will end.

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