Home > General > The Lows: my inner-game long dark night of the soul.

The Lows: my inner-game long dark night of the soul.

This is probably one of the weirdest posts I’ve ever put up. What follows is not a proper post but a monologue I wrote to myself as an exercise to try and sort my inner game out when I had a really bad day the other week. For various reasons that day my serotonin levels were really low and I’d had an awful few hours sarging. I felt lower than a hammered turd. I really felt like it was all pointless. I felt so bad that I didn’t think I could sleep properly with my head spinning so I decided to sit and type out everything I was thinking and sort my head out. It worked. It really did. Writing is a fantastic therapeutic tool and is the best way I know of to order your own thoughts.

I’ve pasted in the whole monologue below. Take it with a massive pinch of salt. It was not written as a blog post. I’m posting it up because of a few reasons:

  • I find that publicizing my personal thoughts to the world builds character and moral fibre as a lot of people, a lot of whom I know, read them and there’s the chance I could get flamed massively and have to be certain enough of what I’ve written to not be bothered by it.
  • An important step in sorting my inner-game out is admitting that it is still far from perfect and this monologue certainly does that.
  • I brutally attack my ‘great experiment’ and game itself and force myself to defend them and justify what I’m doing. So yup, posting this up is a commitment to myself that I’m happy with the answers I came up with. Also, it’s good to get some Devil’s Advocate going on this blog to show that I’m not a brainwashed pro-game cult follower.
  • I want to show the power of journaling as a therapeutic tool.

I found the whole exercise so powerful that I may well start having regular “conversations with myself” as an inner-game/self development exercise. I mean sitting and typing a self-justifying monologue, not mumbling and spitting like a scary man in the Asda car park.

Here we go..

*****************************

I’ve just returned from a shit few hours of sarging. I shouldn’t really be blogging now as I feel pretty depressed and bleak (I think my always precarious serotonin levels have crashed after the strong coffee I had earlier spiked them) but I crave the therapeutic effect and don’t want to go to bed until I’ve sorted my head out.

  • This is by far the worst time of year to try and do daygame. The weather is shit and everyone is mad busy. January will be slightly better but it’s going to be ten times harder than daygaming in summer. I look back on the summer now as a period of amazing daygaming potential. The problem was I’d never daygamed at any other time so I didn’t know what I was missing. Fit women everywhere. Great targets walking past left right and centre. And there’s me in the cold and snow trudging round Covent Garden for an hour tonight trying to find two sets, both of whom didn’t want to stop. Ugh.
  • Attractive women live lives unlike any other people. They’re generally like spoiled puppies. They simply don’t go out when it’s cold, dark or wet if they can possibly avoid it.
  • Women go out on their own a lot less than men.

I think a strategic issue I’m having is that with my level of skill a woman needs to be in the mood to waste time or wander about to be willing to engage in a set.

What I’m trying to achieve is mind-blowingly difficult. I’m stopping a woman on the street, chatting her up and attempting to within minutes build enough attraction to get her to agree to come for a coffee with me. I’m then within that period going to attempt to build further attraction and add enough comfort so that she will continue contact and come out on a day two. Tough. Very tough. This is not normal and this is not in most women’s reality.

The man negative thought bubbling round my head is “is this all a waste of time?”.

  1. How many successful PUAs do I know that can reliably pull 26> year old, highly intelligent, highly attractive British women?
  2. Are the ‘successful’ PUAs simply not just churning through the numbers and simply sifting massive quantities of women to find the ones that are naturally attracted to them?

The only PUAs that I know are a) some guys off the LSS and b) the guys from RSG. The former don’t have girlfriends and the latter all seem to have foreign girlfriends.

Are any PUAs using Game to get intelligent, sorted, beautiful British women?

My guess: unlikely.

Why?

Because I don’t believe there are very many intelligent, sorted beautiful British women. Bang. A part of the conclusion of the Great Experiment is put in place. Exactly how many fit, sorted, attractive British women do I see? Most of them are foreign. How many men do I know that are with these women. None.

There are some of these women about but they are awfully thin on the ground. They are scarce. It’s amazing when you go to a foreign country and you see beautiful women that look like models and you find out they’re dentists and journalists. What’s gone wrong with Britain?

The 60-second answer is:

  • Poor genetic stock (body and mind)
  • Obesity
  • Cultural and social issues

I feel very sad now. I am not joking. I am actually quite upset to be typing this. It’s like hearing that someone has died. I finally realise that part of what I suspected actually is true and the chances of me ending up with and being delighted with a woman of my own background and culture is negligible.

I MEAN HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

Society has got so twisted that a high value man cannot partner with someone of his own culture anymore.

A race dies out.

Just like that. In a couple of generations, all that world-changing Anglo-Saxon genetic stock bred out by feminism-by-numbers and the tv generation.

Looping backwards, I did say that there are these girls about but they are inaccessible. Most of them end up punching way above their weight and going out with bankers and guys with yachts. Their social identity is very important to them and they want someone to fit right into their social group and whom their friends will be impressed with. They generally end up dating guys they’ve met through colleagues at work or through friends.

Unfortunately for me my job precludes me from ever meeting these women.

Some PUAs thrive on pulling young, foreign women. At some level to me I always wanted to pull a slightly older (28-32), fit, intelligent, sorted British woman. Do I really want to be dating young Fillipino students, Czech shop-girls, Asian language students? Well it’s certainly be good for a laugh but I have to admit I always wanted to date the former as well.

Game is fake

Daygame is just a numbers game. Approach a hundred women and find the one that likes you. And she’ll probably be young and impressionable and naïve.

Bargame is a lie. How many people do you actually see copping off in bars? People who hook up meet through friends or colleagues and just use the bar as the excuse.

The way that most guys who are successful with women do this is by:

a)    Working in an environment with lots of fit women.

b)   Being cool (having social value within this environment).

c)    Having game.

Is it time to go?

The UK is by and large fucked. The women are shit. Maybe I should stop wasting time here and go live for six months in a country where things are just less fucked and I have the value I deserve.

The argument against

Did you not create fabulous attraction with the hot indian flake, a 26 year old BRITISH girl? On the same day did the British girl on her way to cheerleading practice not burst into joy on the spot at you opening her? Were there not several more utterly gorgeous, pleasant British girls who were delighted when you opened them?

How many daygame sets have you done?

Not sure.

How many times have you daygamed?

Maybe 15.

So you’ve done about 150 sets?

At most.

So out of those how many fit British girls gave you a great reaction from being opened?

Not sure. I really can’t remember.

Maybe three. Would that seem right? A minimum?

Yeah maybe three.

So you’ve done 150 sets from having pretty much the worst inner game of anyone who ever started the PUA journey and probably one out of every 50 sets produces a hot British woman, who if you played your cards right would go on a date with you.

Er… maybe.

Never mind all the other non-British girls that liked you. Like the lovely 26 year old, fantastic, intelligent Venezuelan girl you went on several dates with. Or the utterly, massively fuckable Chinese girl you had an instant date with.

Er… yes.

So your skills are shit, your inner game is FUCKED and you do this?

Mmm.

Do you REALLY think there are no intelligent, attractive, sorted British women?

I don’t think there are many. I don’t think they are accessible.

You’re probably right. Do you want a girl over 30?

No.

Why?

They’ve got too much baggage, have a domineering attitude to men and can’t relax into it because they are obessed with babies.

Would your personality suit a hyper intelligent, beautiful British woman?

Only if she ultimately submitted to me.

Chances?

Little.

Do you think that in fact some of this existential game crises is due to these factors?

You feel depressed. This is because:

a)    Your serotonin is very low due to:

  1. Complete lack of exercise for three weeks.
  2. Eating junk food and drinking alcohol.
  3. Getting high off caffeine earlier.
  4. It’s dark and winter and shit outside.
  5. Your time management is appalling. You take a game sabbatical at the worst time of year and try and game when it’s late, dark and snowing.

True.

You deciding British women are dead to you.. Is this because in fact you doubt yourself. You have issues with your self-belief. You know that the older, the more British and the more attractive and intelligent the woman the more her eyes will bore through to your core like a lazer beam, and you ultimately do not yet believe you are worthy?

I don’t know. Maybe. But I kind of feel I am worthy.

Listen child. There are two worthies. There is what you feel in your forebrain and what you feel in your hindbrain. There is mind and heart. All that you have now is half a feeling in your forebrain, and it’s flakey. And you have flutters and flashes in your hindbrain. You think you are worthy but you don’t know it. This is the big problem with someone who’s inner game is fucked early on and where it festers for years. Is not this anti-British women to some extent, but I agree not all, a reflection of your inner game problems.

Yes.

Do you think there are no attractive, intelligent, sorted British women out there, age 26-32, that would like you.

No.

Is it hard to find them?

Yes.

Will you meet them at work?

Highly unlikely.

Will you meet them socially?

Probably not.

Online dating?

Ha.

What’s the best way you can meet a large volume of these women?

Daygame…. But it’s not organic.. it’s not like people are supposed to hook up… to slowly get to know each other through friends or colleagues. It’s banal. Just running up to hundreds of women.

How else are you going to meet them? Bargame is a lie. Your career choice precludes you from meeting many women. Online dating is a joke. Look, do you think from 100 solid approaches you could meet one girl you’d really like and could date for a while.

Yes.

Is that such a terrible ratio? You only ever did ten approaches at a session because you didn’t toughen up and fight through it. You know you could do twenty a day. You could probably do twenty in two hours if the weather was good. Add in instant-dates and you maybe have five hours work.

Right.

So you do this Saturday and Sunday plus Monday to Friday you do ten approaches. That’s fifty a week. So in two weeks you’ve found a girl where you both have a spark for each other and you can have a few dates with.

Er..

Some people go YEARS without having a single date. And let’s not forget your not going to just cycle through dates. You’re not doing this constantly. You actually get this girl to be your girlfriend. Job done. You enjoy each others company for x months. You already know it works. From your 150 approaches you’ve had at least four girls you could have dated and been happy with.

But they are not the British same-culture girls.

At least two of them could have been. Look. You have limited options. You’re 36. You simply don’t work in a bitch-rich industry. You don’t have a cool job. You don’t have a massive social circle. Hit the numbers. Get a girlfriend. ANY girlfriend. Date her and screw her liver out for at least two months. I mean get a girl you think is hot then fuck her twice, twice per week for eight weeks, then see how you feel about yourself, your inner game and other women. Can you remember how it felt to be in a steady relationship?

Yes. Life was different. My mind was different. The air tasted different. Colours were different. It was a different state of being.

So get back like that, get the failure-demon off your back then see how you feel. If you get a couple of months of sex under your belt and keep plugging at the daygame and working on your inner-game then things will be very different by summer.

But should I not try another country? Surely there are other countries where the women are less fucked and where I just wouldn’t have to go on this awful struggle.

But we’ve already been over this. A lot of your negative feelings are feelings of doubt. You’ve opened sets the last day and women just haven’t been interested in talking to you. It’s knocked you.

Your avoiding my point. Regardless of this in Eastern Europe I’d have more value simply from novelty, plus the women ARE fitter and smarter. I’m steak. Massively high-class weird Japanese steak. I live in a land of shit and burgers.

Mmmmm. Point. Ok let’s re-evaluate. Right how’s this for a plan..

Over the last two days you’ve had a girl open you plus a fabulous instant date. For the last two days before xmas do two more sessions of game and go direct. Go out early. Go to big warm shops and look for women who are ambling. Go direct and stop trying to weasel out with indirect-direct.

It can be weasely when I do it.

Yes. You are having problems with the KDM approaches. The indirectness robs you of the masculine intent. Go direct for a while. Do two more sessions then go back and take a week off for xmas. During this week start writing an explanation of your inner mind. Start documenting yourself. Make a plan to work on your inner game. Update your blog. Make a plan for January and February. Work out how much money you have. Your finances are a mess. Invest your savings. Sort this out to take out the guesswork.

Come back and plan on having 8 more weeks off. After this do another contract and try and save up a massive wedge. Do this contract for say six months. After this you can take a year off. In the first month of the contract get your life in order and synchronize all the aspects: work, commute, sleep, eat, shop, relax, exercise, laundry!, social, visits North, game, women, etc. Over the remaining months keep the ball rolling on the game and build up the gaming. Open sets every day and game every weekend. Real game. Don’t waste time. Get up early and get it done.

Before you start your contract you have potentially 4 – 8 weeks of free time. During this time you should go spend a week in one of your theoretical destinations, these places where you dream the women are better and you can have more success. Don’t go whoring in Asia. That stuff can wait. You can do that at any age and it is far less time-sensitive. Take a week’s whoring-holiday in the middle of your contract.

Get 5 days to a week in at this location in January. Then build up long game and get another week back in a month later. So you use two of your 8 weeks abroad. The remaining six weeks you are working on your inner game and daygame in London. Your daygame you mix two aspects. The first is you are gaming young, naïve, impressionable foreign girls to try and get some flange on the go. The second is lunchtime game. You pick five busy lunchtime locations in the city. This targets girls who are more likely to be British and more likely to be career-oriented and professional, like you, and not in stupid bullshit mediarey jobs. You go out and do this 12 to 2pm every day, and you rotate the locations through the different days of the week over five weeks.

During this period you work on your inner game, your banter, your intent. You start documenting and becoming accountable again. You keep records. You experiment with going direct and indirect. You stop avoiding.

Avoiding?

Avoidance is a big problem for you. It creeps into everything you do. You go out late in the day when it’s dark. You don’t do direct-indirect. You open shop-assistants not customers. You sidle up and engage in small talk with no intent or vibe to it. Avoidance. All avoidance. You really need to get your aims and inner game sorted and make this more accountable.

Remember. You are not out of time. You are 36, which is not ideal, but you are not 46. If you experiment for another two years (almost) you’ll only be 38 and if you decide at that point ‘fuck it all’ you can bugger off to Singapore or asia and get yourself a 26 year old wife no problem whatsoever.

You can still date girls age 26. Even British girls. Think what you’re trying to do. Think how long it takes someone to learn to play the guitar. Three years. To learn to box. To play piano. To learn a language. This takes time. You are a different man, completely different from March 5th when this journey began. STICK WITH IT. Now is not the time to quit. I can feel it. Push through in the UK to the summer. Keep grinding away. Stop avoiding. Get hard. You say you are capable of greatness? Yet you avoid. You don’t push yourself. You say you know how to become a strong man, yet you don’t. I saw you wimp out of a half dozen sets today.

Push yourself hard for 8 more weeks. Have fun abroad for 2 of these weeks. Become accountable. Become strong. Manage your serotonin levels. Get in training. Develop your own Lunchtime-Game and Commuter-Game. Push your intent frame. Do things you have not done before. Deliberately make mistakes from pushing too far. Deliberately approach women that intimidate you. Deliberately seek out women you class as ‘too hot’ and approach them. Do another contract and save the cash. Get any attractive girl on the go as a girlfriend and get some (free) sex in your life. Keep daygaming. Build it into your life. Work on it. Treat it as a life-investment. When summer comes start devoting all your time to game. Take a sex holiday in May if you feel like it. Reserve judgement until August when your contract ends. If you truly decide it’s all a bag of shit then fuck off and live abroad. Try living in two different Eastern European cities for six months a piece. Work or don’t work. Or travel constantly around Eastern Europe and game in a big cycle. Or maybe get a contract out in Asia. It’s up to you… but you are in turmoil at the minute because you have taken too many red pills and are learning so much so quickly and trying to learn incredibly difficult things which are totally unnatural to you and your hindbrain is violently rebelling and trying to use every avoidance and weasel trick in the book to avoid change. You have not spent enough time as a well balanced, self-assured, non-bitter, relaxed, enbitched man to yet trust your conclusions about British women.

Yes, society has problems, massive problems. Yes, lots of British women are foul. Yes, it’s less than ideal… but most men who can’t get a fit, nice British women just aren’t meeting many of them. There are gazillions of people in London. You think all nice British girls are in these dense, rich social lives? You think there aren’t thousands of British women right now in their flats lonely and single and without that many friends? How many men are talking to fifty women a week? How many men are talking to ten women a week?

YOU CANNOT YET DRAW JUDGEMENT. YOUR SKILLS ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE ONLY 1/3 OF THE WAY THERE. YOUR INNER GAME IS NOT RIGHT. YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF A SCREWABLE GIRL AND SCREW HER FOR A FEW MONTHS AND THEN SCREW ANOTHER AND THEN KEEP APPROACHING AND DRIVE THROUGH, STOP AVOIDING, FIX WHAT IS BROKEN, FOCUS, CHANGE, GO THROUGH THE PAIN, SUFFER, KEEP APPROACHING, GET ACCOUNTABLE AND GIVE IT SIX MORE MONTHS, JUST SIX MORE MONTHS.Í

Phew. Done. Feel ok now. Time for bed.

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Categories: General
  1. Jason
    December 31, 2010 at 12:16 am

    This is a good piece and a good exercise. But it shows that you could probably use a friend with some game to do this for you. Although you’ve done a pretty admirable job.

    That said, I’m relocating to Riga, Latvia this March and intend to stay at least through the summer – game hard and work/live there. The quality is pretty amazing.

    If you want to try EE, I’ll be happy to show you around if you want to come by in the summer. I should be settled in by then and the day game will be at its peak.

    • bhodisatta
      December 31, 2010 at 2:02 pm

      Fuck yes, I’m up for that. Thanks for the offer. We’ll email soon.

  2. December 31, 2010 at 2:20 am

    I might just be projecting my home movies onto you… but could the problem be your job rather than your location?

    You seem to think that London/England is a bit of a social wasteland when it comes to meeting women. But could it be your job is the main factor standing between you and regular pussy with different women?

    If you move to Asia and continue doing the same line of work, could you not experience similar problems?

    I don’t know if you’ve explicitly mentioned it anywhere or not, but I’m going to assume that you work in IT on projects, either as a programmer, BA, or project manager.

    Style (love him or hate him) has come out with a few decent aphorisms. One of them was “The biggest problem with most guys is that they don’t have a life that women actually want to be a part of”.

    Assuming you work in IT projects the following are probably true:
    – Not infrequently you have to work into the evenings, and sometimes on Saturdays.
    – You are under stress due to having to meet project deadlines.
    – You have to be 100% fresh when you show up to work.

    Given all this you will be very time poor. I can’t imagine you fitting a cool party life in with this job (apologies if I am completely wrong here).

    You could easily do the same thing in Singapore, it’s just that you’d find it easier to find a long term girlfriend as white guys automatically gain 2 coolness/social proof points out in Asia (as most asians still view all westerns as having decandent party lifestyles).

    I used to work in London in finance which has very similar life sucking qualities to IT. I took a two week holiday to visit my mate who was working as a Dive instructor in Curacao in the Caribbean. I was shocked to find that all the Dive instructors out there where scoring week in week out (often 2 times per week without trying). Or they had beautiful, intelligent, western girlfriends. I think a primary reason for this was that they were the party.

    Apart from the gym, you’re focusing almost entirely on the sales side of game… approach more women and don’t bail so quickly if the sale isn’t going well. I hate the term, but could you not experiment with the “value” side of game too? Rather than 8 weeks approaching on the streets of London, fly out to Thailand, do a divemaster internship. Have a cool party lifestyle for 8 weeks, see what effect that has. Be the guy with the fun lifestyle. Even with your 26-32 year old western women, it’s probably all about the fun. Don’t take this as a “go whoring in Asia” suggestion. Only shag westernized tourists, locals etc.

    If you work in IT then you can always go back to that in Singapore or wherever in two years time.

    Anyway, if I can overcome my health problems in the next few months this is what I will be doing.

    I know this comes across as a bit advicey. But from what I can tell from this blog you are an intelligent bloke who deserves some happiness.

  3. January 1, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    So long as you use this to inspire action, which I think you will, then its a helpful process. Make explicit what your internal enemies are and how to destroy them.

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