Inner-Game Jabberings

I was at Salsa the other week and I got talking to a cute 20 year old student. No game, just chat. She was nice and our conversation was interesting. SalsaLord kept going on about it over the next day or so and this made me think about it perhaps more than I would have done. Over the next week I started to think about this girl and wonder whether she’d be there again. Aside from the obvious “technical failures” of outcome-dependence, etc what I became aware of was how easily old thought patterns skirted round the edges of my peripheral mind-vision. Once or twice, while idly day dreaming I thought about what it would be like to pull this girl. How it would feel. And subtly the fantasies started to take a tinge of boastfulness. How it would validate me having such a girl. Imagining friends saying “wow!”. Dropping subtle hints about how young my gf was. I wasn’t so much actively thinking about these thoughts but the part of the brain that makes up thoughts and fantasies stamped a few out and offered them up to the central controlling bit as potential fantasies. I rejected them.. but part of my brain had still manufactured a few for perusal.

After some deliberation I decided that

If the price of having this girl was that having her made me feel better about myself then I did not want her.

Pretty hardcore. I was telling my mate Scouser this and he scoffed…

So you only want a girl who makes you feel <= you did before?

I’ve been mulling this one over and ended up going in circles in a philosophical mess so I’ll just splurge it out here and see what happens.

The initial idea was that someone with a truly strong reality wouldn’t need any woman or friend to make him feel good about himself. But assuming this guy had no women, and in fact all women loathed him, and nobody wanted to be his friend, then in fact wouldn’t he be a dick.. someone way too far down the Kenny Powers road of Alphaness?

Ok so in fact if you have the respect and affection of people you respect and like then it’s ok for this to form part of your self esteem. Seems reasonable.

So if you attract women you find attractive then is it ok for this to be a basis of your self esteem? I think it is… actually. So ok then… if you consistently are not attractive to women, and have no women in your life then is this ok to make you feel low self esteem?

Not quite. I think I’ve uncovered the root of a few problems.

I think a lot of people don’t separate out into two distinct boxes a) how they feel about themselves b) how their current life environment is at present.

What’s happened to me for many years of my life is that my ecosystem has been shitty and I’ve simply not had the environment for lots of friends or women. Hey… welcome to modern non-provincial career-life! What then happens is your unchecked hindbrain begins to furiously analyze the situation. It is not a positive situation so depression starts to creep in and you feel like this is a failing of your personality. Your self esteem lowers. The problem is you’re not seperating out the two. It’s possible that you have the most boring, banal situation with a shitty job, a crappy apartment and zero friends, yet this is purely environment. Why should this make you feel anything about your core self? It shouldn’t.

Thinking like this has always been difficult for me and I think a lot of people suffer like this. I think a lot of guys that end up getting into pickup in fact have been through a similar cycle:

1. Have great life at University.
2. Leave.
3. Move to some city for some job.
4. Have no friends.
5. Discover everyone at work is old, married and shit.
6. Work hard. Get tired a lot.
7. Wonder how people meet new people.
8. End up home alone a lot.
9. Time passes.
10. Wonder where you went wrong.
11. Self esteeem lowers. Negative feedback cycle starts.
12. Single and bitter.
13. PUA.
14. Join RSG.

And don’t forget old bastards like me did this stuff in the mid 90’s.. when normal people didn’t use the internet. Like at all.

So in fact.. shock horror… the big discovery is that in fact you can actually be a pretty ok guy and have no friends or women! How’s that for rationalization.

Where were we? Right. So it’s natural and reasonable that having great friends increases your self esteem. It’s natural and reasonable that having great women in your life does likewise. Yet you have to be careful that when you don’t have them you correctly identify if this is to do with your environment or your personality.

So it is in fact quite normal to be happier after hooking up with girl X than before. You have a richer life. More contact. More emotion. More interaction. Sex.

So if I feel lots better about myself because I have a 20 year old hot stripper girlfriend then this is ok, right?

No.

I’m confused again.Let’s start again.

I think I’ve got it this time. I take back everything I just said. I now think it is weakness if you feel much better about yourself for having girl X. Or indeed for having friends Y.

This is how I think it should work:

• You just be yourself and clear as much of the crap off that society puts there as possible. You have your core intellect, personality and values. Stick to them.
• Have faith that in the correct environment you will earn the friendship of people that you’d like to be friends with. Also have faith that if you do some basic stuff and don’t fuck up then you will have attractive women in your life.
• If you don’t get to be friends with X they weren’t right for you. If you don’t get woman Y then they weren’t your type.

If I hooked up with 20 year old salsa girl then would I feel better about myself. The long hard truth is…. probably not. I’d maybe have a few days of euphoria but then it would settle and I’d just fail to see what was so suprising. I’m awesome: she likes me. Logical.

If you find yourself trophying women then I think it’s a sign of weakness. The Beta, low self esteem thoughts that my hindbrain was bandying about are not really congruent now. Call them echoes from the past.

FAQ
1) So it is weak to be pleased that you get a young, hot girl?
No. Attraction to youth and looks are wired into your DNA. It’s natural. Don’t fight it.
2) So is it weak that I am happier after hooking up than before?
Not necessarily. If it’s for technical reasons i.e. you simply have more fun now, then that’s ok. If you feel like having this girl plugs some kind of hole or forms a strut in your self esteem then yes, you are weak.
3) If I start thinking about girl X a lot is this weak?
Not necessarily. Maybe she’s really nice. It’s normal to think about her. It’ll be counter-productive, but it doesn’t neccesarily show weak character. However if you find yourself running elaborate scenarios about her, and visualising yourself feeling awesome and puffed up and boastful, and smug about having her… congratulations, you have a hole in your self esteem.

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So the real measure is happiness versus self esteem. If having girl makes you happier: fine. If it supports your self esteem: weak.

Ah… but what about serious relationships? Where people get married and stuff. I’d argue that the same thing holds. You’re a lot happier because you met your wife, your life is better, you’re in love with her, but it shouldn’t be a foundation of your self esteem. Seriously. You should be happy as hell you’re with her. You should love your life but I genuinely think the fact she chose you should not form a strut of your self esteem. It happens all the time, though, and I’d like to suggest that for a lot of people falling in love is when they find someone who is the right shape to plug the holes in their psyche. I’ve seen it many times before. It ends badly.