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Inner-Game Jabberings

May 25, 2011

I was at Salsa the other week and I got talking to a cute 20 year old student. No game, just chat. She was nice and our conversation was interesting. SalsaLord kept going on about it over the next day or so and this made me think about it perhaps more than I would have done. Over the next week I started to think about this girl and wonder whether she’d be there again. Aside from the obvious “technical failures” of outcome-dependence, etc what I became aware of was how easily old thought patterns skirted round the edges of my peripheral mind-vision. Once or twice, while idly day dreaming I thought about what it would be like to pull this girl. How it would feel. And subtly the fantasies started to take a tinge of boastfulness. How it would validate me having such a girl. Imagining friends saying “wow!”. Dropping subtle hints about how young my gf was. I wasn’t so much actively thinking about these thoughts but the part of the brain that makes up thoughts and fantasies stamped a few out and offered them up to the central controlling bit as potential fantasies. I rejected them.. but part of my brain had still manufactured a few for perusal.

After some deliberation I decided that

If the price of having this girl was that having her made me feel better about myself then I did not want her.

Pretty hardcore. I was telling my mate Scouser this and he scoffed…

So you only want a girl who makes you feel <= you did before?

I’ve been mulling this one over and ended up going in circles in a philosophical mess so I’ll just splurge it out here and see what happens.

The initial idea was that someone with a truly strong reality wouldn’t need any woman or friend to make him feel good about himself. But assuming this guy had no women, and in fact all women loathed him, and nobody wanted to be his friend, then in fact wouldn’t he be a dick.. someone way too far down the Kenny Powers road of Alphaness?

Ok so in fact if you have the respect and affection of people you respect and like then it’s ok for this to form part of your self esteem. Seems reasonable.

So if you attract women you find attractive then is it ok for this to be a basis of your self esteem? I think it is… actually. So ok then… if you consistently are not attractive to women, and have no women in your life then is this ok to make you feel low self esteem?

Not quite. I think I’ve uncovered the root of a few problems.

I think a lot of people don’t separate out into two distinct boxes a) how they feel about themselves b) how their current life environment is at present.

What’s happened to me for many years of my life is that my ecosystem has been shitty and I’ve simply not had the environment for lots of friends or women. Hey… welcome to modern non-provincial career-life! What then happens is your unchecked hindbrain begins to furiously analyze the situation. It is not a positive situation so depression starts to creep in and you feel like this is a failing of your personality. Your self esteem lowers. The problem is you’re not seperating out the two. It’s possible that you have the most boring, banal situation with a shitty job, a crappy apartment and zero friends, yet this is purely environment. Why should this make you feel anything about your core self? It shouldn’t.

Thinking like this has always been difficult for me and I think a lot of people suffer like this. I think a lot of guys that end up getting into pickup in fact have been through a similar cycle:

  1. Have great life at University.
  2. Leave.
  3. Move to some city for some job.
  4. Have no friends.
  5. Discover everyone at work is old, married and shit.
  6. Work hard. Get tired a lot.
  7. Wonder how people meet new people.
  8. End up home alone a lot.
  9. Time passes.
  10. Wonder where you went wrong.
  11. Self esteeem lowers. Negative feedback cycle starts.
  12. Single and bitter.
  13. PUA.
  14. Join RSG.

And don’t forget old bastards like me did this stuff in the mid 90’s.. when normal people didn’t use the internet. Like at all.

So in fact.. shock horror… the big discovery is that in fact you can actually be a pretty ok guy and have no friends or women! How’s that for rationalization.

Where were we? Right. So it’s natural and reasonable that having great friends increases your self esteem. It’s natural and reasonable that having great women in your life does likewise. Yet you have to be careful that when you don’t have them you correctly identify if this is to do with your environment or your personality.

So it is in fact quite normal to be happier after hooking up with girl X than before. You have a richer life. More contact. More emotion. More interaction. Sex.

So if I feel lots better about myself because I have a 20 year old hot stripper girlfriend then this is ok, right?

No.

I’m confused again.Let’s start again.

I think I’ve got it this time. I take back everything I just said. I now think it is weakness if you feel much better about yourself for having girl X. Or indeed for having friends Y.

This is how I think it should work:

  • You just be yourself and clear as much of the crap off that society puts there as possible. You have your core intellect, personality and values. Stick to them.
  • Have faith that in the correct environment you will earn the friendship of people that you’d like to be friends with. Also have faith that if you do some basic stuff and don’t fuck up then you will have attractive women in your life.
  • If you don’t get to be friends with X they weren’t right for you. If you don’t get woman Y then they weren’t your type.

If I hooked up with 20 year old salsa girl then would I feel better about myself. The long hard truth is…. probably not. I’d maybe have a few days of euphoria but then it would settle and I’d just fail to see what was so suprising. I’m awesome: she likes me. Logical.

If you find yourself trophying women then I think it’s a sign of weakness. The Beta, low self esteem thoughts that my hindbrain was bandying about are not really congruent now. Call them echoes from the past.

FAQ
1) So it is weak to be pleased that you get a young, hot girl?
No. Attraction to youth and looks are wired into your DNA. It’s natural. Don’t fight it.
2) So is it weak that I am happier after hooking up than before?
Not necessarily. If it’s for technical reasons i.e. you simply have more fun now, then that’s ok. If you feel like having this girl plugs some kind of hole or forms a strut in your self esteem then yes, you are weak.
3) If I start thinking about girl X a lot is this weak?
Not necessarily. Maybe she’s really nice. It’s normal to think about her. It’ll be counter-productive, but it doesn’t neccesarily show weak character. However if you find yourself running elaborate scenarios about her, and visualising yourself feeling awesome and puffed up and boastful, and smug about having her… congratulations, you have a hole in your self esteem.

***************************************

So the real measure is happiness versus self esteem. If having girl makes you happier: fine. If it supports your self esteem: weak.

Ah… but what about serious relationships? Where people get married and stuff. I’d argue that the same thing holds. You’re a lot happier because you met your wife, your life is better, you’re in love with her, but it shouldn’t be a foundation of your self esteem. Seriously. You should be happy as hell you’re with her. You should love your life but I genuinely think the fact she chose you should not form a strut of your self esteem. It happens all the time, though, and I’d like to suggest that for a lot of people falling in love is when they find someone who is the right shape to plug the holes in their psyche. I’ve seen it many times before. It ends badly.

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Categories: General
  1. May 26, 2011 at 2:47 am

    Hmmm… you’ve definitely got shades of stochism going on here. When Seneca was sentenced to death by the Roman emperor his friends and family started wailing and crying. He said “Where has your philosophy gone?” and died a stoic death. Later on some other Philosopher pointed out that this was pretty stupid, as the idea that you can ignore your environment successfully (particularly death) is bollacks.

    I’m probably mis-reading what you are trying to say. Yes you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself for having no woman if your choices have lead you into a dull life that no sane woman wants to be a part of. But knowing this actually makes fuck all difference to how you feel about yourself. You can’t ignore your environment/situation for more than a short amount of time.

    Someone once said to me that your confidence in a situation is how you expect other people to react to you in a certain situation. If all you are getting are bad reactions then you will have low self esteem, no matter if this is due to things about yourself that you can’t change or it is due to just having a dull life recently due to work.

    My view (and yours too judging from your other posts) is that the only way to change the way you feel about yourself is to take control and change your environment/ecosystem.

    Leaving a job, moving cities, or even moving countries will probably be necessary to get this needed change in my self esteem. This may seem like an extreme view when contrasted against the message pumped out by commercial guys that “Just doing enough daygame will change your self esteem and solve all your problems”. But then they have an incentive to push that message as daygame is one of the few areas amenable to teaching (no matter its actual long term value). You can’t get paid for advising someone to move to Singapore.

  2. 50flags
    May 26, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Your on to something here

  3. May 27, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Another good clutch of posts. My opinion is your core confidence isn’t dependent on external validation, but if you are getting consistently shit (and not improving) feedback from the world you are doing something wrong. Your genes demand you mate, and if you don’t they’ll punish you for it eventually.

  4. May 29, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    >So the real measure is happiness versus self esteem. If having girl makes you happier: fine. If it supports your self esteem: weak.

    I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. I figured something similar out myself recently. I had the following scenario in my head.

    You go to a club on a Friday night, and go direct on an HB9. For the sake of argument, let’s say there are two possible ways this could pan out:

    1. She loves it. You pull her, and take her straight home from the club for an SNL.

    2. She hates it. She looks at you like you’re something she trod in and you go home alone.

    The key thing I realised is that regardless of the outcome, in both cases when you leave the club (with or without her on your arm) you are the same person that entered the club earlier that night. Her reaction to you doesn’t (shouldn’t) affect your sense of self. This all seems obvious, but most guys (myself included) don’t fully live this. They would feel like the man if they left the club with her, and like a loser if they didn’t.

    The problem I then ran into is this: Any man who tells himself that he wouldn’t be happier if the 1st outcome came to pass vs the 2nd outcome is lying to himself. Fucking and HB9 will make you happier than going home alone. This lead me to the problem presented in your post. Does the idea of outcome independence / internal validation really hold true.

    I came to the same conclusion as you. Temporary happiness and self esteem are two separate things. Having sex with and HB9 should make you happy, but should not alter your self esteem. In a bit more detail, your happiness should be derived from the actual physical act of sex with the hot girl, not from the fact that you were able to pull the hot girl. A subtle but important difference.

  5. June 14, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Just had a re-read of this and I think my reply was a bit narrow.

    Yeah it is important to realise that you are not shit, it is the situation which you have ambled into that is largely fucking things up for you. Personally I’ve always known this as my own shit situation is fairly obvious due to its single root. But for a lot of guys out there the rubbish situation they are in is a lot more sublte and difficult to realise when the guy is in it.

    The really interesting thing is that you can be earning a lot of money which your instincts and society think can only be good for you. But this can actually be a sub-optimal outcome. A guy can be semi-celibate for years, and then get picked off by a bitch of a girl when he is 28-32. If he had a less stressful job and more time for friends, a good social life, and the girls this brings him into contact with, then he could have ended up with a kinder (and better looking) woman.

  6. July 25, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Jeez, you guys are such douchey losers. Who are you kidding? You guys never get laid.

    • bhodisatta
      July 25, 2011 at 10:31 pm

      Another lame “visit 10 blogs a day and leave a comment on each one to improve your search rankings” comment. Spam.

  1. September 17, 2012 at 1:58 am
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