On holiday

Needed a break. In Thailand… back soon!

Daygame phases

Off the back of my last daygame status update I’ve tried to list out the phases I see my game as having gone through.

1)Curiosity/Disbelief/Fear

I wish I could get girls off the street like in The Game. Off to a bootcamp. I have to do what? You can’t be serious. I’ll get arrested. Ok, I approach and all I feel is sheer terror.

2)Acceptance

From looking at others I see it can work. I feel both great and shit.

3)Newbie-direct

I will collect numbers of approaches as crumbs of validation. I’ll bail easily.I will use a direct opener as an excuse for creating sexual charge. I have no true intent so I am not a threat. I blabber niceties without really controlling the vibe myself or directing the frame. I’m nice enough that the girls that’d click with me anyway give me their number.

4)Over-intent

I have gone through personal change. I own my masculine intent. I am awesome. I need no dancing monkey stuff. I will just reveal my intent and emit aura and that’ll be that. I approach women, tell them they’re hot, they see this and see my intent and for a lot of them it’s too weird.

5)Playful-intent

Something’s going wrong, it’s not working anymore. Oh!… right. I’m just all intent. Where is my playful vibe and conversational mastery?

I can’t think of any levels beyond the last one, which is the one I’m now trying to get. There are maybe sub-gradations of it. It’s definitely the hardest one to achieve. A good coach or a psyching-up session and anyone can do the first one. The second one is harder. Some never even get this far. But ultimately you don’t need massive brain-smarts to get there, you just need to clear out some social conditioning. The last one is the hardest. How many people are really excellent conversationalists? How many people are truly funny? It’s the cream of the cream. To be a success at this level I’d say is akin to being able to be a good stand up comedian. The verbal skills and the time involved are similar.

Male company.

I’ve been mulling over this issue for a while and in fact talked about it with Krauser the other day. Turns out he’s beat me to the blog with it but as his approach and style is very different I thought I’d go ahead anyway.

As a chode, a young chode, I believed that female company was important because I was under the misapprehension that this would assist me in getting a girlfriend. Notice how I didn’t say “getting laid”, and notice how I said “getting a girlfriend” rather than “dating women”.

Chode belief 1: To get sex you have to get a girlfriend

The chode cannot envisage himself as capable of having a one night stand or of being high value enough to have casual relationships.

Chode belief 2: Men take value from sex.

Sex is something women dole out to you when you have proven yourself worthy enough to be their boyfriend.

Chode belief 3: All you have to do is just get one girlfriend and then the issue is solved forever; the pain is taken away.

As a chode I regarded acquisition of a girlfriend as a one-off commoditized task. I anticipated that once I had managed to get one then that would be a done deal. There was no concept of selection from the male perspective.

******************

I remember applying to university accommodation, sick with fear lest I be allocated to a male-only dormitory. At the time I almost wept with relief at being assigned to a mixed-sex residence. At university I would seek out females to befriend, under the belief that the more women liked me as a friend and the better a friend I was to them then the more likely they’d be to set me up with one of their friends as a girlfriend.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. I may as well have cut off my genitals. All I did was desexualise myself and turn myself into a non-gay GBF type eunuch. Orbiting various girls, being there for them, being present when they talked about which men they liked. A true mangina. An emotional tampon.

How could someone end up in this mess? Let’s go through it.

First off you need to have an over-feminized society where young men are denied any rite of passage into manhood. Girls get their one to womanhood when their cunts start dripping jam; it’s inbuilt. And for them it’s all a wonderful, glorious, spiritual thing but when it’s about men spunking in their beds at night it’s grubby and dirty and laughable. The is something to be reviled and mocked. Remember, women are pathologically afraid and jealous of male bonding. They’re not wired to have such strong bonds themselves (they didn’t hunt) and they fear them. Why? Because what lowers the power of a woman more than a group of men so at peace and involved in their missions that they no longer are interested in women. Women’s response? Subvert and destroy. Shame. Mockery. The usual. Let’s add two more things into the mix:

Decline of industry

Most of the men in the country used to work. And they used to work in manly jobs with their inbuilt skill hierarchies and rites of passage. Institutions of male bonding were by and large linked to these industries e.g. the social club, the pub, the factory football team, etc.

Women’s economic independence

Women get jobs now and they can claim financial independence (even though most of them still feed off men, just in more subtle ways). Thus pre-feminism that men worked and a boy got himself a job and started work was a rite of passage into manhood.

Poof! Gone. So what we’ve got now is a bunch of boys floundering around trying to work out when they’re men.

On top of this let’s put in a dysfunctional father. This doesn’t apply to all of us but this is all about me, remember. My dad’s dad buggered off when he was little so he didn’t have anyone to learn from. Shame: I paid for that. When I was entering my teens and embarking on the arduous journey to manhood generally what my father did was on a daily basis domineer me and crush my spirit in order to make himself feel big and manly. He refused to grant me an inch of recognition that I was becoming a man and mercilessly tried to control and bully me. So I ran to my mother, who petted me like her little boy, and I became over-softened. All yang not ying.

Now we stick our Bhodisatta into a school full of second raters. The problem with being really clever is if you’re not clever enough to realise the cleverest thing you could ever do is hide it, or at least make the other kids feel less shitty about the bog standard noggins they were issued with. On top of this a loathing of sports and you have a recipe for social exclusion. Little did I know that kicking the football around the playground each lunchtime was an important part of the male bonding process and that I’d suffer for my non-participation in myriad, cruel ways.

So we end up at University, delighted that we bagged a place in the mixed-sex residences. Surely the girlfriend should turn up soon? Wrong. In hindsight what I should have done is applied for the men-only dormitory and taken pleasure in bonding with a group of males and doing what a lot of men naturally good with women do: realise that women are not there to be friends with; men are. Women are there to be pursued and fucked.

So we end up in the more or less present day and I realise that what’s really missing from most men’s lives is not female company but male company. I mean, what kind of a man has the need to hang around with women? I certainly don’t. I have no desire to discuss important shit with them. I don’t respect their opinion or their right to have one. The more they talk about politics the more I hate them. The only female company I require is to meet a girl say twice a week, spend some quality time with her and have a bloody good fuck at the end of it. Beyond this all my social needs can be met by men.

I’d say this to most slightly lost latent-Alpha or Higher-Beta city-dwelling Khaki wearing city men:

What your life most needs is quality male company. The only contact you need with women is to fuck one twice a week.

It’s not just any old male company we’re after here. We are looking for time spent with men that we respect i.e. peers. Men who are Beta and surreptitiously try and bring you down are no good; and the City is full of these. What I’d suggest is engaging in an activity which has a shared purpose and which excludes women; they will corrupt the dynamic.

Some good examples of this would be sport: Rugby, Golf, Rock climbing, cycling, running. But the best one I can think of is martial arts.

Martial arts: yes

I’ve always liked the idea of being able to fight but I’ve never thought the time and pain investment versus payoff worthwhile. However I’ve recently realised that martial arts is possibly a great opportunity for some quality male bonding and this has got me raring to go.First off it’s nearly all men, or it should be. Men and women shouldn’t be sparring together. Most importantly there is a strong element of exertion, risk and emotional commitment involved in the practice of proper martial arts, and group tasks with these qualities serve to bind the group together strongly.

Of course you need a proper martial art. I’m not talking about going to an Aikido or Taekwondo club and indulging in the carefully controlled validation-pyramid populated by Betas burning with rage. I’m on about ‘real’ martial arts where everyone spars and your ranking is based on how good you are. There’s no classical bollocks. Examples would include boxing, Muay Thai, BJJ, Judo (perhaps) and MMA.

Pickup: no

Another potential area of male bonding is in the practice of pickup/game. This is an area a lot of men are working on and it’s of great importance to them. Surely this experience is a shared struggle as well, and it would be a great way to meet mates? I’d have to disagree on this one. From what I’ve seen so far the community in London has a high proportion of low quality men involved in it. There are lots of soul-less, floundering chodes emitting waves of stifling neediness. Ontop of this half of them seem to engage in subtle, pathetic games to dominate or lead each other. These are not the kind of guys you need in your life. As for the instructors: it’s a very murky world. I see plenty of Taekwondo-club style validation pyramids in place.

The Dip

Since my cup of coffee I’ve been gradually getting back in the saddle with daygame. Last Saturday, coffee day, I did 5 sets and got three closes. I’ve indulged in some text game and got a provisional (50/50 probably) date for Thursday with an Italian girl.

Sunday I went out with SalsaLord, Krauser and Jambone and we all had a good wander. I did eight sets in total and had fun but came to the interesting realization that I am now having less success with daygame than I did at the start!

The Dip

The best success I had with daygame was back in summer when out of ten approaches I could get a couple of Facebooks and a couple of numbers. Now I’m doing eight and getting nothing. What’s going on? Krauser nails it for me.

Basically back then my intent was not a fraction as strong as it is now. I’d approach direct and the opener itself would create a tiny frisson of sexual energy but my behaviour and subcommunication did not show a really strong sexual intent. This is why direct openers work best for newbies: the opener itself creates the sexual charge that they themselves cannot. So I’d open these girls, pump their state a little, show little intent and just chatter for a while and get the number or facebook. Now I have this monstrous intent burning through me and a much stronger masculine core. I have much more masculine energy now. Looking at a girl I absolutely am in touch with my desire to fuck her, I absolutely will push to take her there and then for an instant date, I absolutely will verbally escalate her and I will quite happily take her to the toilets there and then and do her. I have no issues with this chain of events. So what happens is when I go up and approach direct it’s just too much. Intent needs to be balanced with a playful vibe. I quote Ross Jeffries:

“Wrap a challenging, playful energy around a strong, commanding intent.”

(which is pretty much Krauser’s mojo in a nutshell).

So I’m now at The Dip. I’ve reached a new phase and my success will probably diminish for a while then come back stronger. I need to put the next piece of the jigsaw in place; which is getting my playful vibe up to scratch.

Vibing

I’m fascinated by the art of vibing. Vibing is floating and free associating. I found it really hard today until set five when it just clicked and I started to roll with it a little. There’s a few things to consider when talking about vibing:

Raw material

Ultimately only people with the raw goods in their soul are ever gonna get there properly. There’s a fair few sociopaths in the PUA community who learn the trick of it, like the vampires in the Anne Rice books learn the knack of passing themselves off as human but in general I believe your ability to vibe and be funny is dependent on how much of a soul you have, and you can’t grow souls. Luckily I have an awesome one in-built.

Volume

Even assuming you have a soul then you can still have layers and layers of shit a and filth piled on top of it. I’m 36, I’ve been learning to put up barriers and close things down for about 16 years now. It takes time to undo this. Every time you open a girl there’s still all that shit and social conditioning in a knot inside of you. Sets, sets, sets my boy. Get some numbers under the belt. Volume comes in two flavours. The first is per-session, where you need to do a few sets to warm up. For me it seems to be about four at the minute. The other is the long term volume, as just mentioned.

Roller-blinds

Vibing is about seeing the connections between things and hopping between them in an interesting and amusing manner. One problem I’m having is that I have conditioned myself to deliberately not vibe. As a young chode I was a brilliant viber and comedian, and would unwittingly hold court in a bar with ease and talk to women for hours, holding them in rapture. Of course I’d assume they could not possibly fancy me so I’d get up and get the bus home but that’s a different story. From this perceived failure to get any rewards from my efforts I slowly started to become less and less vibey and personable, gradually over the space of about ten years clamming up. When presented with a feed line in a conversation part of my brain would slam shut a metal roller-blind and refuse to make the vibe-leap to a new node and return some value, because I’d learned that this got no results. Of course this was a negatively reinforcing loop.

Basically being a miserable, hate-filled bastard was not good for my vibing skills. What I’m doing now is trying to gradually undo this conditioning. First off I need to stop the roller-blinds from slamming shut and secondly I need to actually build the skill back up again; the mental agility and creative thinking.

Daygame frame

This ties in nicely with my new daygame frame. Which, er, is basically the frame Johnny Wisdom tried to instill in me months ago. Daygame is not a chore; it’s a privilege. If it’s ever a chore then you aren’t doing it right. You should see the streets as a big chocolate box and you can wander around taking little nibbles of all these different chocolates for free. Daygame should get more fun with each set you do, and if it isn’t then you aren’t doing it right.

Daygame, if done right, is an inherently positive thing. You are not taking value from girls; you are adding value. You get filled with energy from the experience and so does she. You’ve created something from nothing. All those sheep, bustling about their lives with their headphones in and you’ve stopped someone and had a great few minutes conversation with them.

The right daygame frame is very positive. You’re going to go out, have a wander, have a laugh and if you see any cute girls go up and chat to them: adding value to their life that day and creating positive energy in you both. The problem I’ve been having recently, and I realize this sounds odd as I type it, is that this frame doesn’t fit in with my generally extremely negative view of the world. From getting into this daygame frame I’ve realized that this positivity does not come naturally to me; as I’m generally in my head mulling over all the terrible, shit things about the world, the economy, feminism and local government. I actually asked Krauser today how on earth he manages to be so light-hearted when I know the awfulness of the grotesque death of Britain and western culture bothers him as much as it bothers me.

So this is progress. Daygame is helping me get out of this negative fug. It forces me to compartmentalize my negative feelings about the world around me. Yes, it’s shit and I hate it but I have a choice to not let this make me feel negative all the time.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Daygame done wrong is exhausting. I remember in the summer psyching myself up for a session of daygame. I’d go out, burn through it then be emotionally drained after a few hours. Today’s daygame didn’t feel like daygame at all. We just wandered and chatted and had a laugh.

Conclusions

Limiting Beliefs

My avoidance weasel has been whining recently about how bad a time of year it has been to game. Well maybe December was awful but if today’s anything to go by…. It’s on! It was dark and cold and at about six o’clock girls were on their way home but Oxford St was choked with fanny. Sets everywhere. All sorts. All types. If every night was like today then I’m sure that you could daygame from 5 to 7pm and have a limitless amount of sets.

If it’s not fun it’s not right.

1. Get my frame right. Compartmentalize negative feelings about world.
2. Practice positivity to help my daygame and vica versa
3. Get a good wing
4. Add value to girls you talk to. Consider their experience.

Playfulness and vibing

1. I need to reverse the negative conditioning which slams down the anti-vibing roller shutters.
2. I need to build up my conversational skillset again. I have literally forgotten how to be funny after years of being miserable.
3. I need to get some volume under my belt and each time I go out I need to warm up a bit.

I think if I can push through this Dip then I’m on the way there. I think I can get there

The best cup of coffee of my life

I drank a cup of coffee today to pep me up before doing some daygame. I don’t normally drink much caffeine so it has a very severe effect on me; probably akin to giving a six year old a snort of charlie.

BOOM.

My mood goes into the positive and I suddenly realise that I’ve been depressed for the last month and I haven’t realised it. The caffeine dumped a load of serotonin, dopamine, whatever into my brain and it was like having the veil thrown off. I even chortled a bit. So! That’s what’s been wrong recently. It all makes sense now.

The biggest problem with depression is that it’s very hard to realise you are depressed. The ‘evaluating ego’, the part of the brain which realises this, is quietly switched off. What a great cup of coffee. A life-changing realization for a few pounds.

You may be reading this thinking “isn’t this a ‘game blog?’”. In fact the answer is no. This is a blog about me and my experiment. I’ll write whatever I please, and today I’m writing about depression.

So my magic cup of joe wakes me up and makes me realize why the last month has been so utterly awful. I have decide to come to terms with the fact that I am a person prone to depression. Yipee! No, seriously, this is progress.

A big leap I’ve made today is realizing how the process works. It’s like being a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. When you are Dr Jekyll you can look back and see all the times you were Mr Hyde. However you have no awareness when you become Mr Hyde. The change is very subtle and surreptitious and almost impossible to notice. The very first thing it does is flick the switch to turn off the evaluating ego. You ride out the course as Mr Hyde, and Mr Hyde believes he is Dr Jekyll. He doesn’t actually think he’s Mr Hyde (I differ from the original plotline here). It’s not until the malaise wears off that the switch gets turned on and Dr Jekyll realises he’s had a visitor.

What’s it like? I described how I felt to a friend the other day and they thought I was joking. It’s like having an invisible, cold, clammy blanket of anxiety hanging over you. You have a gnawing sense of dread and panic. Your energy levels are very low. You ignore all mundane tasks and feel incapable of carrying them out. You don’t understand how people manage to handle their busy lives and all their chores. Yours just pile up… and make you feel worse. You stay up late and struggle to get up. You see no real future path in your life. Sometimes when you think of all the things you have to do in your life you get a wave of hysterical panic wash over you. You regard your life as being in endgame. You think about disease, cancer, dementia. You don’t exercise. You put on weight.

This is what I feel like when I get depressed. For weeks or months on end. It seems pretty obvious to me now, now that that precious single cup of coffee flipped my evaluating ego back on, however when you’re in the depths of it I guarantee you can’t see it easily. It’s no wonder to me my ‘game sabbatical’ has been struggling a bit. Christ! How did I do ANY sets in that mood? Result! I had a Day 2 with Dream Chink yesterday as well!

How is depression triggered?

I’m not really sure on that one. I think people are just wired differently. I’m a natural worrier. I think when negative things happen normal people get sad, pissed off or a bit miserable. Depressives get depressed. Normal people worry a bit. Depressives go on an odyssey of bleakness. Things which cause anxiety are the worst. Like having a father slowly getting worse with Alzheimer’s disease for example. Awesome. Stress makes normal people stressed, and sometimes depressed. It makes depressives stressed and depressed.

Moving forward..

It strikes me as incredibly odd that one massive hit of caffeine can wipe out a month of depression. I’ll take it as a gift from the gods of game for my recent progress. How can I take action and try and stop this happening again, or lessen its effect?

I think the key thing is this:

1. Accept that you are prone to depression.
2. Take some remediation action.

Acceptance

This is harder than you’d think. The second big problem with depression (the first being not realising you’re depressed) is that it’s very had to accept you have this problem. Society, family (especially) and friends often find the subject quite distasteful; to them it reeks of self indulgence and whininess. Everyone feels down in the dumps now and again, right? No need to make a big deal of it.

This is absolutely the most dangerous and ignorant attitude. Depression is real. It’s a condition. Some people’s brains don’t do the serotonin bit right. Is that so hard to conceive of? The problem is that it crosses the mind/body link. The ignorant like to believe that their thoughts and actions float about in a land of pure logical and will and are not subject to the grubby, chemical, bubbling vicissitudes of their fleshy encasement. Wrong. Big time wrong. It’s as much chemical as logical.

The other problem is jealousy. How dare someone claim they have some kind of ‘special sadness’ which makes the hard bits of life harder for them to deal with than others. The nerve! Sorry bud; that’s exactly what it is. Unfortunately I’d have to say that the depressives don’t help things; as I’ve known plenty of depressive people in my life who are awful, selfish, narcissistic, irresponsible people. A lot of ‘depressives’ actually are just pathologically selfish and fucking miserable.

Acceptance is something that has to be worked on and maintained. It’s a process. It needs repetitions. Things will try and erode this. For me the big problem is my sister. She’s really my only family left and this means so much to me. When I have important stuff like this I feel an urge to tell her and get some sort of ‘ok’ from her. The problem is that families have baggage; years and years of history, strata deepening like a coastal shelf. This needs some thought. One option is to simply work on rewiring this urge to get familial approval.

Real acceptance is unspectacular. This is not the self-absorbed attention seeking of the average emo Prozac-guzzler. There are no touchy-feely chats with mates; I can’t imagine anything more sickening.

Actions

Moving forward I can make some battle plans.

Uncertainty

My life has been very uncertain of late. I quit my contract and took a risk I could get another. Uncertainty. I started thinking perhaps I’ll not bother. I despise Britain and have been thinking about working abroad again in the future. However I’ve just signed a six month lease on an expensive apartment. Mmmm this game thing isn’t going well… Uncertainty.

What’s going to really help me is removing uncertainty as much as possible. Having a plan. I have worked out my life plan for the next 12 months now and will be posting this up soon. Feel better now.

Anxiety

I’m going to do what I can to put an action plan in place for my dad. Very simply it’s this:

1. Organize additional care in his home for him. Get this up and running smoothly so the care can be piped up and down as required.
2. Research and visit care homes. Find the best one for him. Put him on waiting list. Work with my sister and put together a financial plan.
3. Visit less. Maybe once every six weeks.
4. Go abroad. Out of sight out of mind. I’m not doing this because of him, I’m doing this as part of my (soon to be blogged) life plan, but it’ll really help with the situation I think.

Work stress/Anxiety

I’m starting job-hunting next week. That removes some anxiety straight off as it removes the fear of the unkown. Beyond this coping with workplace stress is INCREDIBLY important. Jobs can easily destroy you. The most important step is to just not give that much of a fuck. Seriously. No job is worth it. Decide in stone what you will and will not accept and stick to it. If you get sacked then so be it. For me I will not work weekends more than once in a blue moon. I will not work long hours. Long hours cause sickness and stress and ill-health and I just won’t do it. Nine to six. I won’t tolerate a bullying manager. I will literally physically escalate there and then on the spot rather than put up with that.

I’ve found that drawing a line in the sand before starting a new job is very effective, as important as the ‘3-second rule’ in pickup. If you start a job and start as you mean to go on and never swerve then people accept this with far less fuss than trying to change later.

Ultimately I’m pretty well up in this category. I really don’t give that much of  fuck about career progression (I have reached my target role and will stay here) or the profits of who I work for or working extra to please some manager. I just don’t care. I have realised long ago that it is all pointless anyway. Working hard for someone else’s benefit rarely gets you anything. Going the extra mile or working an extra hour each day does nothing. Working smart.. YES! I’m all for that. Working hard because you’re interested in it and it makes the day pass quickly: YES!

I’ll try and get a new contract. I’ll try and get something interesting. I will be honest about working overtime or weekends if asked. I’ll start as I mean to go on. I won’t take any crap. I’ll work briskly to keep myself interested and make the day pass quickly. I’ll work cunningly and smartly; using my social skills to their full advantage to consolidate my position.

Exercise

My moods stabilized a lot last year when training for a half marathon. It may have been coincidence but evidence suggests it’s not. I believe that I need to exercise intensely, five days a week to help with my condition. I’m also considering just exercising every single day, till I die. Making the jump. Even if it’s just twenty minutes of yoga. Getting into an unbreakable habit.

I think doing a form of boxing will also be very good. Sparring and fighting will stimulate my brain and trigger the release of the good stuff. Man wasn’t designed for staring at the wall. He was designed to encounter stimuli and physical risk, fear and discomfort were part of this. Somewhere us modern morons forgot this. I love reading about those Victorian scholars and gentlemen who used to also box, row or wrestle to keep fit.

I can’t emphasise enough how strongly I believe in exercise. I think it may be critically, shatteringly important. I also believe that perhaps decay of the body causes decay of the mind.

Chinese brain oxygenation theory

As a side note I once met a quack Chinese doctor. He watched me and said that I yawn a lot and the reason for this was that I had a huge ‘billionaire’s brain’ and it didn’t get enough oxygen, and that for the sake of my health I had to take an hours exercise at least three times a week to ‘oxygenate my brain’. I actually think this guy is a genius. Think of it; a high performance brain is a great evolutionary advantage. Perhaps some of us have reached an evolutionary point where our brains became so big that the physicality of our lifestyle could not support them? GENIUS. Exercise. Oh.. and food.

Food

I don’t find it hard to avoid junk food as I’ve eaten healthily for years and don’t like the taste of a lot of that stuff. In general what I need to focus on is eating very high quality food. Lots of Mediterranean-style dishes. Spend lots of money. Shop in M&S. Take fish oil. Buy a case of Clif bars and always have a few in my bag as a snack.

You are what you eat. So true. Most people in this country live off filth. I don’t intend to.

Male company

It’s easy to not receive enough social stimulus if you live in London and work in a profession full of anti-social freaks. Female company? Not that important. If you’ve got one bird on the go and you’re fucking her at least twice a week then you don’t need any more. What you do need, however, is male company. With the decline of industry in this country the infrastructure of male socialization has crumbled away. Never mind the influence of social Marxism and the feminization of society. Women bond with women; it’s easy for them. They just get together and talk shit. Men need a catalyst. Five a side football. Great. Golf. Round table. Great. This is a very important reason why I’m interested to start boxing. It’s predominantly men and there is a share objective with an element of suffering and danger so this has a good bonding effect.

Light

Might try one of those lightbox things.

Pussy

I swear to God once I’m getting laid a lot of this will just slough off me. Hopefully at some point I will have sex with a woman. Regularly. For free.

Whores do nothing. Rubbish. I fucked one the other week and felt no reduction in my sex drive at all. I have a theory here:

Bhodisatta’s Cunt-Crack Theory

When a woman really likes you her cunt emits special pheromones. When you fuck her without a condom or eat her out a lot then you absorb these. Evolution has made it so that men will have a terrible, burning sex drive and feel quite shitty unless they’re soaking in this cunt-crack. It forces those cavemen to chase pussy more; so their DNA survives more. A perfect evolutionary explanation.

The problem with Western whores is that they don’t like you so they emit none of this minge-manna and also you’re rubbered up so you couldn’t absorb it anyway. The only solution is to get a real girlfriend, who likes you, and fuck her without a condom or eat her pussy a lot.

Care and Maintenance

This is not really a single item but rather a concept. I think one of the best ways to handle depression is to accept that you are prone to it, then get part of your brain to step back in the third person and be responsible for taking care of yourself as if you’re a prize racehorse. Constantly be proactive in the battle against Mr Hyde. Spend extra money on food. Be brutally disciplined with exercise. Pamper a bit. Schedule twice or thrice yearly holidays to somewhere hot. Seriously. Just fucking do it. I’m going to. I feel better already. Three times a year I’m off somewhere hot or cool or fun. Once a month I’m off on a cheapie weekend break somewhere in Eastern Europe. I’m upping my food budget to something ridiculous, £150 a week or something; fuck it. Accept this will cost money. Stop fighting it. Deal with it.

I can take a good lesson here from the gays that I know. I have never seen a group of men give such careful, detailed thought, planning and preparation to their own comfort and care in my whole life. Great food, expensive clothes, nice apartment, nice furniture, holidays all the time. It’s funny isn’t it how indulgence is whimsical for women and gays yet seems discordant for straight men. Maybe it’s because they’re the ones that have to provide a home for the family.

Brutal discipline and habit

Another concept. Look at all the actions. Doing all this will require a combination of these two tools. If you make things a habit then they don’t need brutal discipline to maintain them; but you have to put the mettle in to form the habit.

Coffee

Very carefully restrict caffeine (as I already do). The power of this magical elixir must be preserved. Should I suspect Mr Hyde has slipped in, perhaps have a cup of the good stuff and see if we can catch him in the act.

Mood questionnaire

Now that I’m Dr Jekyll again I’m going to try and develop a kind of questionnaire with a rating system to try and give a rating to how I feel at a certain time. I can then regularly take this test and file the results and see if I can develop an empirical way to determine if I am Mr Hyde or not. Any psychotherapists reading this; all suggestions welcome.

Medical help

I’m going to go see my doctor and talk through all this. See if there’s any specialist I can go talk to. Determine whether medication may help, although I am very wary of this. I’m really keen to never be Mr Hyde again. It doesn’t seem fair; when I’m Dr Jekyll my life is just so different. It’s literally like being a different person. I’m so positive, so friendly. I feel like I can achieve so much. I don’t feel any great fear about life or the world or the future. As Mr Hyde I’m amazed how people cope with their lives and the fact is that a lot of them do so a lot better than me because their brains aren’t spazzed.

A ‘bad’ day

I was late out today after staying up till 4am watching “The Other Guys” because it was so damn hilarious I couldn’t turn it off.

1. Opened an Israeli girl in Waitrose. Turns out she was 35 and had a boyfriend. Hooked ok though. Opened ok though. Had a nice chat.
2. Terrible open on a British Asian reading magazines. Mumbled something about “let me guess… are you Spanish?” and she looked at me like I was insane as I babbled some retarded crap about how “last time I was in Barcelona all the girls were wearing clothes like that”. I felt awful at the time. Now I don’t care.
3. Gave up on Canary Wharf and went to the National Gallery.Mature girl (i.e. my age) with big tits causes enough lust in me for me to open. Goes well. Hooks. Good energy. “I’m taking this to a coffee date” I’m thinking when I suddenly hear her say something about her partner. Never mind.
4. Spotted a Persian looking woman with an ass you could rest a cup of tea on. Asked her if she liked the painting she was looking at. She looked like I’d asked her “can I push my penis into your anus?”. Mumbled “yes”, looked at me with eyes of fear, backed off, looked at me wide eyed and walked off. Obviously in her country her brothers would beat me senseless for talking to her without their permission then they’d beat her brains out for being a whore as well and letting me speak to her for a sentence. Ah well, takes all sorts dunnit?
5. Went to the supermarket. Got weird IOIs off a frizzy Spanishy looking girl. Chased and opened direct. She was lovely. An 8.5 for me. Hooked well, she liked the compliment, I stacked and plowed beautifully. Not really stacking just driving forward again and again so she had no chance to question the reality of what was happening. Turns out she’s married. Shame. Iranian. Studying chemistry. Probably learning how to build nukes.

I’d say that I also bottled around 5 sets of HB8s due to either just cacking it or there being people nearby and me getting bothered about what they would think.It’s about 5pm and I’m feeling that this is pretty futile and that game is ten times harder in winter than summer and I should just quit and go back to work or I should just quit game go live in asia, etc, etc, heard it all before.I note that in my tube station at rush hour I see about eight HB7 or 8s stream past within a minute or two. I stalk one or two but am lost as how to open in such a situation. I also spot 3 HB8/9s in the little M&S near my house but bottle them as well.

A couple of conclusions from today:

• Covent Garden Summer Time Game is easy. Why oh why oh why did I not game twenty hours each weekend? Aggghhhhh. CGST is a different kettle of fish from normal boring commuter game. NBCG is way harder as a) the physical setup is hard plus b) with CGST you can machine-gun approaches to get in state whereas with NBCG you can’t.
• I’m not quite ready to quit yet and need to give myself a good seven days in a row where I get up, ready, prepared and out at a sensible time and do a solid 4 hours each day.
• I also think I need to start enjoying my time off more rather than let the whole ‘I should be doing game’ thing become a chore. Proper relaxation takes effort! I need to schedule a couple of ‘me’ things each day.
• I need to start on my other (non game) project; my book.
• I enjoy time off more the less of it I have. I’m going to provisionally set a date of Monday 24^th Jan to start on my CV. Schedule an hour a day on 26^th, 27^th, 28^th to list agencies and numbers then hit the phones and officially start job-hunting 31^st January. I therefore have a guaranteed 3 ½ weeks left of sabbatical. If I frame it like this then it makes me want to put more effort and discipline into enjoying it.
• Likelihood is getting a job will take a long time after this, I’m not really sure. I could start within days but on the other hand it could take 3 months (I hope not that’s a bit longer without income than I planned for). But the point is that I don’t know, so I will regard time until 31^st as ‘guaranteed’ time and anything after that as time which is a gift. Knowing I could get ‘called up’ any day will probably kick my arse to make the effort to enjoy myself more. (that last sentence just blew my mind).
• I am willing to take some more professional help. I’ve contacted a London based trainer who claims to have expertise in tube and ‘unusual location’ game and if he’s up for it I’m going to get some 1to1’s ASAP. I need someone to break down my limiting beliefs about what can be done on the Tube and in shops and to help me push through this, especially doing approaches in crowded places with an audience (the horror…).

Oh and lastly.. it’s funny how your bad days become your good days. Tim in RSD’s Flawless Natural says this. Eventually your bad days become good days; you have an adventure. Not too long ago a bad day for me was wandering round Covent Garden, swarms of hotties streaming all around me, and not doing a single approach in 2 hours. Or maybe doing one and blowing it. If you’d told my pre-game self that a ‘bad’ day for me was approaching 5 sexy, total stranger women, in freezing shitty weather, in weird locations and managing to engage three of them in robust conversations that go on multiple minutes my reaction would have been:

“WHAT! Actually talk to a stranger? A woman-stranger? That’s amazing! What a pimp!”.

The Manifesto

I’m working on something big. Something in my brain broke the other day and I worked out some super-big truths about myself. I typed and typed till 5 in the morning. It needs some more work, mainly to make me sound less clinically insane, but when it’s done I’ll post it up. It’s the biggest red pill I ever gave myself. It’s more like someone making a red pill the size of a frisbee, sharpening the edge of it then stabbing me in the brain with it then scooping bits out. Flibble. Watch this space.